Agape Love
Love is not a natural or innate emotion for me. I thought that it was intrinsically part of motherhood, but I was wrong.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I affectionately referred to him as Little Man (or depending on the day, Monster). I felt an attachment right away. While he was still inside of me I knew that he was going to be someone special, and I was excited to meet him. I loved who he was before I ever set eyes on him.
My second full-term pregnancy was very different.
I took a home pregnancy test on my 34th birthday, the day after Mother’s Day, and was not thrilled to see the positive. I had been so overjoyed just a month or so earlier to see the same result, but the early loss of that child left me hesitant to feel the same eagerness again too soon.
Yet this third pregnancy was healthy, and the child was determined to grow inside of my womb. The first trimester went by with a bit of nausea, but otherwise was smooth. I could not sleep as much as I had during Little Man’s first trimester – being pregnant while caring for a very active toddler is a race in and of itself.
On one of the rare occasions that I used Little Man’s nap time to exercise rather than sleep myself, I took the time to do a pregnancy yoga DVD. It was then that I really started to question what was wrong with me. As I listened to the yoga instructor talk through a meditation on loving the child growing within me I felt… nothing. I felt no loving attachment, and the lack of any feelings of warmth or excitement within me created instead a growing sense of apprehension.
What was wrong with me?
Why did I not instantly love the child as I had with my first?
Soon the apprehension gave way to darker thoughts.
Would the baby also feel this ‘lacking’?
Would the child’s development be diminutive due to my stunted love?
If I could not feel a growing love for the child within me, then perhaps my family was better off without me. A mother who cannot love is of little use, right?
I did not actively plan suicide or an escape from my family, but I did wonder if it would be so very bad if I were to get hit by one of the too-fast cars driving by our house on my way to check the mailbox. One of the grandmothers would surely step up in my absence.
Logically I knew I was an important and valuable member of our family, but logic does not necessarily connect with emotion. There were several occasions, to my husband’s confusion, that I would cry uncontrollably with no explanation of why. It was even difficult to feel gratitude on Thanksgiving – a day that should spill over with appreciation.
Apparently post-partum depression has been renamed perinatal mood disorder since many women deal with it while pregnant rather than just after pregnancy. Because of this I began counseling, and then later, in the third trimester, was prescribed an anti-depressant that would be safe for the baby. At the suggestion of the counselor I began to think of names for the child and tried to set up the nursery. I realized that I had to actively foster the emotion of love for the child growing within me since my own mind and soul could not seem to do it on their own. After having all of the names I came up with shot down by my husband, I became mad. How was I supposed to bond with this child if I could not speak to him, if I could not call him by name?
While I struggled to connect to the small person forming within my womb, the darkness just seemed to grow. I continued to worry that the baby would be affected by my emotions, that he would know how I felt, and that it would affect him in horribly negative ways. I dreaded the thought that he would feel unloved within me and emerge into this big world with an emptiness that could never be filled.
I do not know what I would have done during that time if I did not have Faith. As those thoughts played over and over again in my mind, I turned to God. I turned to Him, day after day, with this prayer: Lord, love this child because I cannot.
The stress of the pregnancy seemed to mount as other concerns popped up.
My husband was away for several weeks with out-of-state training, and that created a bit of stress as I felt like a single mother to our teenager and toddler.
Due to a metabolic disorder that Little Man has, this second pregnancy was also followed much more closely by the doctors. During one of the growth scans it was determined that the baby’s belly was significantly smaller than it should have been. This led the doctor to question if the umbilical cord was working correctly and if the baby was not growing as he should due to a possible lack of nutrients. He advised me to monitor the baby’s movements, as there was a higher risk of a still-birth in this situation. He also suggested the possibility of an inducement.
Had my own emotional emptiness created a physical emptiness within the baby?
Logically this makes no sense, but I suppose my hormone-driven brain was not able to see that truth.
My prayer, along with several members of our church family, became: Lord, please help this child to grow!
When we returned to the office for a follow up scan, I watched the technician as she measured the baby rather than the large screen showing Baby Boy inside of me. As she flipped back and forth between her computer and the folder of notes beside her, I was not sure if I should be concerned or not… why was she referencing the last appointment’s notes? Just moments later we learned, from the doctor, that the technician had been shocked by what she was looking at. The baby’s belly measurements had gone from the 12th percentile to the 34th. It was a significant growth in just a couple of weeks, and something that was not expected.
In that moment, a breath of dread seeped out of me.
Whatever lack that I had been feeling had not led to the baby’s detriment. Again, the thought may sound ridiculous, but it was real to me nonetheless.
I thought back, and still do to this day, on the daily prayers I sent up to God. While I could not feel a deep love, I knew that God had been pouring His own agape into the child within me.
During the pregnancy, and even after my second baby was born, I have taken solace in the fact that he is so utterly loved and cared for by God.
At several points during the birth, we thought the doctors would have to do a C-section. His heart rate was showing distress. Just moments before I was going to get the epidural I told the nurse I was ready to push, and minutes later he was out. After he was cleaned off and nestled into my breast, calmly nursing, our wonderful nurse told us it could have gone much differently.
“It must have been your God music,” she said.
I will never forget that she said that. My husband had brought his iPad so that we could listen to music. I asked him to put Christian music on to keep me focused on something other than the pain. His Spirit was in that room – it was not just the music. He had been watching over Samuel from the beginning – why would He stop in the moments when the child was coming into the world?
I first heard the term ‘agape’ (ah-gah-pey) several years ago at Calvary Church. It is used to express the unselfish love of God for humankind. In a study called Living Beyond Yourself by Beth Moore, she wrote, “Agape is divine love. Its only origin is the heart of God. Agape is the love of God expressed through us to others.”
Despite the often blasé treatment of the word ‘love’ in our 21st century culture, it is a very complicated emotion. I know my experience is not unique. All women do not instantly bond with their babies. All step-parents do not instantly adore their step-children either. Heck, husbands and wives, who confess a forever love in front of friends and family, struggle to live out their love on a daily basis.
Love, for God, is very simple. It just is. It always has been and it always will be.
Becoming a mother to my first child taught me how to love in a different way, there is no doubt about it. He stretches my patience every day. He also makes me laugh and fills me with joy.
Becoming a mother to our new baby has taught me something as well. Truly loving another person requires me to give up what I want so that individual can be provided for or blessed in some way. Truly loving entails generosity – in words and deeds. Agape love is that kind of generous, totally unselfish love.
It has taken me months to write this – in part because I have a newborn and a toddler at home all day, but it is more than the lack of time and energy. Admitting that I did not instantly love my child is a scary thing to share.
There were so many nudges to finish it though. I heard from a panel of women about post-partum depression at a MOPS meeting several weeks ago, and the way they spoke about it made it seem as if it was safe to talk about it. Then our lead pastor spoke about agape love in his sermon just a week or so later. When the Bible study from Beth Moore that I host (but did not choose) spent a week delving into what agape love is, I realized it was not a coincidence. Then just a few days ago, the YouVersion plan that I was reading with my husband (Love is God’s Language) spent a day explaining agape love as well. I had titled this piece ‘Agape Love’ before any of these occurrences.
While I may not have felt a deep love for my second son while he was kicking and hiccupping inside of me, I feel it today as I hold him, burp him, and walk him around the house to stop his fussing. “Because agape is more a response than a feeling, agape always shows. Agape cannot help but be expressed because that is its essence. As the expression comes, the joy and affection come!” (Moore, Living Beyond Yourself) It is okay that I did not fall madly in love with this beautiful child instantly – I am only human, and because of that fact alone I know I do not have a perfect agape spilling out of my heart. However, through learning about its place in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit I can seek it out for myself as well.
Asking God to love my baby may have been the smartest thing I could have done. In doing so, I have also begun the journey of a better understanding the selfless love of Christ. As I live out selfless moments in motherhood, I am learning more about God’s love for us, His children, and that realization is worth all the dark, tear-filled moments that led up to this point. I really am trying to live in the Light, and that is leading me to some beautifully messy moments.