Balance

While I often feel like my emotions and reactions are unique to me alone, I continue to be reminded that my experiences are anything but unusual. Even when I think that my struggles as a parent make me special in some way, I see and hear about another person's trials that are so close to mine that it makes me sit back and just think.  

Part of that thinking led me back to a verse I had read quite some time ago:
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are" (1 Peter 5:7-9). 

My suffering is not the suffering of a woman in a third world country trying to feed her family, it is not the suffering of the working poor in North America, nor is it the suffering of a different nature – of drug or alcohol abuse that seems to plague so many. Yet that does not discount the trials, emotional and physical, that I face every day for the simple fact that I am a person. We are complex beings, and the adversity that comes into every life calls out for a sense of understanding and help. Maybe it seems silly, but I can take solace in the fact that all people seem to flounder through life, at least at some point or another, and being a Christian does not mean that life all of a sudden becomes easy. The last couple of months have seemed to be a constant state of limbo for me – both physically and emotionally. I am struggling, and that struggle seems to be coming from the fact that I have lost a sense of balance in my life that I once had. 

Balance used to mean I had time for professional development and comradery. It used to mean that I had time for exercising, for reading, for going out to eat with girlfriends, for reading novels, for plucking my eyebrows, for dates! Some of these things might seem silly or superficial, but they represent the idea of time to myself. Balance used to be a part of what made me feel happy. Today, and for the past... oh I do not even know how long, I have lost that sense of equity in the breakdown of my days. 

Is it because I am pregnant?
Is it because I am changing as a person?
Is it because I am mothering a toddler and a teenager?
Is it because I am searching for something, and I just do not know quite what 'it' is? 

Being pregnant, while in no way shows me to be unique, has thrown any sense of personal balance to the wayside. The other night I tried to explain to my husband why this second pregnancy feels so much harder than my first, and judging by the quiet responses coming from his side of the bed, and the late hour, maybe it was not the best time of day to share my heart. And yet, I am not sure what time is the good or appropriate time to actually talk to him.  

Perhaps that is, at least in part, where the issue lies – in time.

How does one maintain a sense of personal balance while feeling out of control where time is concerned? 

While my toddler was actively (even in utero he was a mover and a shaker) growing in the womb I was still working; I worked right up until he was born. Some of my students probably thought I was going to go into labor at school and have him on the desk! I was teaching tenth grade English with content that was new to me, and with a co-teacher I had never taught with. I was reading Macbeth for the first time myself, and was working with colleagues I had only come to know through monthly meetings just the year before. And yet, it was a beautiful time. I was fulfilled at work with the students, and came home to a husband who was loving and doting. I could pass out on the couch by 8. I need only worry about myself and what was happening with the little being growing inside of me. I was amazed at what was happening to my body. I was anticipating an amazing little boy, and I was excited for the future. 

This pregnancy feels different, it feels harder. It is different – it is a different child and my body is different, but I am not sure if that is why it feels harder per se. I am staying home with my son, and while I thought that would make the physical and emotional demands of a pregnancy easier it does not. I am caring for another little person, a sometimes very demanding little person, all day long. The 'working' version of me would have thought that staying home with a toddler would be easier than teaching all day, but this work that I do now has its own level of physical and mental challenges. I am no longer surprised by what is happening to my body; it is literally quite the opposite as everything seems amplified – sometimes in painful ways. I am also (step)mothering a teenager this time around. He is an awesome kid, do not get me wrong! He is still a teenager though, and his emotional and logistical needs need to be met just as much as the toddler's. Sadly, by the time the toddler is asleep, I fear that I have nothing left for him. And this description does not even begin to take into account the needs that a healthy marriage requires. As a result, I fear that I have nothing left for my husband either. 

Thus, a return to the concept of time and how it relates to my own sense of balance. I am sure that this idea is most definitely connected to the feelings of turmoil that have been part of my days for months. How does one find time to care for others while also caring for herself within the 24-hour window that is allotted? How does one create a sense of balance, and healthy boundaries, for that matter? 

The loss of balance does not only create a feeling of overwhelm, but leads to a loss of self-control. Last week I could not make simple decisions. The crazy part is that just before hearing a cacophony of reasons why I should and then should not do something, I had listened to an awesome podcast about the beauty of self-control that can come from listening to God. If I can focus my mind on something positive and worthy, I see the person who I used to be. In that moment, I felt the balance of a woman who could think, write, articulate, and just be. Moments later, the beautiful balance was gone. 

Just a few days ago, I found myself becoming so angry that I cried and lashed out, internally, at people I should have been leaning on. Today I forgot the two middle numbers in my social security number when asked by a doctor's office – exhaustion? Simply going upstairs to brush my teeth became an ordeal this morning – the seemingly simple task can become more complicated when a toddler wants to brush his teeth too. I do not know why, but I found myself crying as I tried to brush my teeth while my son sucked the (fluoride free) toothpaste off of his own – was I simply incapable of teaching him a basic skill, or was I being completely and unreasonably hard on myself? 

This flitting back and forth between a sound, thoughtful mind and unstable, rash mind is a universal thing, right? 

It has been pointed out to me, on multiple occasions and from a number of sources, that I need to take care of myself first, and others next. There is the whole metaphor of putting on my oxygen mask before assisting the child next to me – we may not be going down in a plane but it certainly feels like that on some days. 

For some reason, I feel like I need to be Super Woman. I need to get Little Man potty-trained, have him learn a plethora of new words, foster a Christian mindset in Teenager, support my husband in his work and hobbies, cook stellar (healthy) meals, and shower everyday – all while in the third trimester. It is laughable, and while I know that I cannot do this every day, I feel like I should. I do not know who put these ideas into my head. I think I may have done it to myself. The other night, just as the light was changing into dusk, and I chased a chicken around in the paddock to try and get her back into the coop, I had to ask myself, "Who am I?" Like, really?! How did I turn into a pregnant woman, chasing a chicken around? What life choices brought me to this very moment? 

The balance that I used to have, the balance that I did not even think about, has slowly slipped out from under me with each little choice that I have made over the past two years or so. 

In an attempt to find a sense of harmony between the time I spend for others and the time I spend for myself, I have begun making 'quiet time' with God a daily occurrence. And yet, in that time I have become confused even further. Jesus' life was about serving others, and I am to emulate Him. I have read, "Whatever you need more of, you need to give away" (Rick Warren). So, if I need more time for myself, am I to give more of my time away to others? I do not know if this is a spot that I just need to trust God in, or if I am totally not getting the point. 

I want to be a good wife.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to be a good woman. 

I think that balance is a necessary part of my life if those three things are to happen, and yet I am unsure of how to make that happen in a logistical, practical way. Finding a job outside of the home will not magically give me balance - I know this based on the conversations I have had with mothers who do. I will not be in this season of young motherhood for long, and so waiting for it to end will not guarantee a sense of balance in the not-so-distant future either; parents are not the only people who struggle to feel a sense of harmony in their lives. 

How does one create a sense of balance in life that creates a sound, thoughtful mind? 

As a Christian, I know that a big part of this lies in seeking the love and wisdom of the Trinity. I am reading the book of James with a group of other women, and in 1:5-6 it says: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  

I do not want to be the uncertain wave of the sea. I want to be firm and strong. 

I cannot be the only person struggling with a mind that darts back and forth between the crazy and sane. I cannot be the only person seeking the peace that can come from a clear, content mind. Are we all, "all over the world...going through the same kind of suffering" in our minds and hearts? 

For now, I am just going to keep moving through the day. I am going to pray for wisdom. I am going to ask my husband to help more often. I am going to reach out to other mothers who I can spend time with – some of who saved my morning today. <3 I am going to hold onto beautiful moments the best that I can. And hopefully, the beautiful, sacred moments will start to outweigh the scary, overwhelming ones.