The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side…

Let me start off by saying, I am SO GRATEFUL for what I have!

I am married to the least lazy man I have ever met, and he is handsome to boot. We are raising two healthy, smart boys (albeit at extremes on the typical sibling age range). I have made some wonderful friends since moving just over a year ago. I am healthy. Our church is a loving, active part of our community. We have a beautiful home, where I can walk into the backyard and look up into huge, swaying trees. God continues to provide for us. Along with all of the blessings I have listed here, I am also blessed to be a stay-at-home-mum to my 15 month old. And yet....is the grass is always greener on the other side?

For the past several weeks I have been wondering what else I am supposed to be doing.

Last week, my toddler and I went to his Music Together class. One of the mums who is usually in the class with her two boys was not there, but her husband was. He was an obvious new addition to the class because he had a flight suit on (active duty Air Force I think). Well, she did come in to the class a bit later, but instead of her usual jeans and t-shirt, she had on cute dress pants and a button-up blouse. When she came in, her husband bowed out. My first thought was that he must have been there just in a changing of the guards type of role. Good husband, right? :) My second thought was, was she going back to work? From our brief conversations in the past, when I have not been chasing my super active son around the room, I know that she used to work in education. I like to talk to former (or current) teachers because I feel an instant kindred spirit. Since I used to teach secondary English I am well versed in the joys and sorrows of our education systems, and I like to hear others' perspectives on them as well. Well, after asking her outright if she was going back to work, she shared that she was interviewing for a position at a private high school, and she was telling me about a mini-lesson she was going to teach for her second round of interviewing. Is it silly that my heart ached a bit when she talked about using Langston Hughes to teach a theme lesson?

I stopped teaching in February of 2016, and while I LOVE being home with my son during the day, sometimes I wonder what else I am supposed to be doing. I keep asking God to show me what I am supposed to be doing. I am sure He has grand plans in mind, but I just don't know what they are.

I have an index card on the side of our fridge that reads: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

I'm not good at the whole waiting thing. I want to know the plans now... but I guess that is not how it works.

I love being home with my crazily active toddler. It is awesome that I can (sometimes) sleep in until 7, wake him up slowly, and eat breakfast with him. We can go play outside, do fun activities like Storytime at our local library, host and attend play dates, and attend Music Together classes. All of these things are during the day; if I had a typical work-week then these would not be options. I am blessed to have adult conversations through a mom's Bible study and a MOPS group.

So why is being a stay-at-home-mom not enough for me some days?

I think this question really branches out in so many directions.

Am I looking for something more because I myself do not value what I am doing now?

I am a good mother. I know that. I keep our Little Man clean (when he isn't eating dirt), fed (I am not referring to the aforementioned dirt, just so ya know), and mentally stimulated. I am now attempting to teach him the concept of 'gentle' so that he does not gouge my face nor another child's. I am also trying to teach the practice of 'put that back!' These are important life skills, right?! The opportunity to stay at home has also allowed me to network with other stay-at-home-mothers, and to learn from their triumphs and struggles as well. Sounds positive so far, right?

Maybe I should take solace in the fact that these feelings of uncertainty are not unique. These sentiments can easily be found in a myriad of other online forums and parenting articles.

"But moms are now their own worst enemy. Guilt and motherhood are almost expected to go hand-in-hand today, Coontz said: When they stay at home, moms fear they aren't contributing financially to the family or worry their kids won't respect them. When they go to work, they fret over neglecting their children. I think a lot of the so-called Mommy Wars really just stem from the fact that we feel constant guilt, Coontz said" (Pappas, Stephanie. "5 Ways Motherhood Has Changed Over Time." LiveScience. Purch, 10 May 2013. Web. 03 May 2017.).

If I am going to be a stay-at-home-mother then I should be an expert, right? Now, while I don't catch myself judging other mums, I do find myself judging and questioning my own actions. Is it really enough for my son to just have crackers and hummus for lunch? Or even worse, should I keep plying him with animal crackers in the witching hour of dinner prep, and then not bother to force some vegetables in once we are actually seated at the dinner table? Lately I have been wondering what I have done wrong in my parenting that my otherwise adorable child is now pulling other children's clothes, or worse, pinching at the skin around their eyes! What the heck did I do? Someone please tell me this is developmentally appropriate, and just a phase that will soon pass.

I am questioning my own questions because, in effect, I am questioning my role and its value.

I have lost my identity that my paid work gave to me, and I am slowly finding a new identity as a stay-at-home mother.

I did not know this confusion over who I am would even be a thing when I decided not to go back to work. Now I look back on readings from undergraduate and then graduate classes in Women's Studies texts and see them in a new light. Can you imagine being paid to raise your children? Mind blowing, right?! I think that being paid to do any kind of work gives it a different level of merit. My husband and I go to a weekly group through our church with about six other couples, and the focus is on creating a Sacred Marriage (look up the book on Amazon!), and I have been paying one of the couple's daughters for watching my crazy child. I value and oh-so-appreciate her time and patience with him; by paying her I can show her that.

So is all of this a lot of annoying complaining to mothers who work outside of the home? Please don't tell me to just stuff-it – I am rather sensitive. Or do they want to leave behind their paid work and just be with their kids?

Is it always a case of wanting what we don't have?

I have talked about this frustration over staying home with children versus going out to a paid position with several mothers. We agree that part-time work is ideal since it affords quite a bit of time at home with our children but also provides some kind of income and adult-conversation that is often very lacking for stay-at-home mothers.

So if I continue to stay-at-home then I will undoubtedly keep searching for more meaningful work, even though in my heart of hearts I know that this job I am doing right now is probably the most important I will ever have.

And when I eventually return to a paid position, I will – no doubt – long for the hours that I spent with my beautiful son.

Why do I, and so many others, always want what is not right in front of us at the time? Maybe it is just our very flawed human nature.

The grass is always greener on the other side, right? 

Maybe the grass is green on both sides, whether being at home with my child or splitting the time with paid work. I hate to think that the grass is brown on both sides. That is just too pessimistic.

A few lines from Melissa Kruger's Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood really struck me this week, while I was thinking about all of the other work that I perhaps should be doing along with the task of raising a small child and a teenager (ack!). "If everlasting joys were more in your thoughts, spiritual joys would abound more in your hearts" (122). I need to go back to the verse from Jeremiah. I may not know the ultimate plans for my life yet, but I can trust that they are already in place. I need to love where I am now because God is here with me, and if I am quiet enough  to listen to His directions for me (look to Elijah's experience in 1 Kings 19: 9-13), then my own worries may not seem so nagging. I need to meditate on the love that God wants to pour into me each day, and then maybe I can see the value that my (un)paid work has in our society. I need to reflect on what is in store for me later, and only then will I be able to share a joy with my family and community that truly reflects the value that I can bring.